Article by:
Andrea Koh | Sexologist, Vibrance
Do you start noticing that you are having lesser physical intimacy with your partner? Or you have noticed you can’t get wet easily or maybe can’t get hard easily compared to the early days?
Both of you have started to get worried or anxious about it, maybe you may start putting pressure onto each other to “perform” better.
But why does this happen? Does it mean you don’t love each other anymore? Or you are no longer sexually attracted to each other anymore?
There are many reasons that can influence a person's sex drive.
As we get into a long-term relationship, commitment and responsibility may increase, circumstances may change, you may have grown as a person, and things may not be the same as you first met.
But that does not necessary mean that your love has changed as well.
It just shows that you may need to have a different routine in life to include intimacy and sex into your life again.
Maybe previously you have more free time to do ‘couple things’ together, to have three sex a week, but now, finding time for sex has become too difficult. You may not have time for each other, or you may be too tired to think, let alone have sex.
That is
normal to feel especially when stress from work and life start hitting us.
However, it is not an excuse for us to neglect our relationship. We should try to make time for “couple time”.
For example, plan a date night or a short trip together away from all the stress in life and just be together again. Spend those time to know each other again, to get the latest update about each other life, to make new memories together.
Think about intimacy, what you’d like to do together again, or what you miss about each other, and use it to get the intimacy back into your relationship. Do not give excuses of work or life getting in the way.
If you really
cherish your relationship, you will make time and effort for it.
Another thing that we need to have is to accept that changes will happen. It may be because we are getting older, or our health is not as healthy as before, our stamina and energy is not like when we were younger, so many other factors that can influence the sex drive.
So, discuss with each other if you notice these changes started to happen, try to plan other ways to meet each other sexual needs. There are many other ways to enjoy sex with each other. It does not have to be just intercourse.
We need to realise that our partner may not be able to satisfy our needs forever especially when we are at old age. It is not an excuse to cheat on them or find someone younger to replace them. Sometimes the only thing that we need from each other is just to spend time with each other, to feel their closeness, the calmness, the loving feeling of having them by your side and knowing that they are your safe place.
Communication is always important in relationship. Sexual communication is also needed to communicate about your sexual drive, sexual needs and how to improve or adapt to the changes in our relationship.
If you really
love your partner, you will be able to communicate and discuss with each other
on other options that can help your relationship.
Lastly, do not forget to have some self-care or “me time” for yourself. We will not be able to function properly or be productive with our partner if we are not in the right space.
Do not expect our partner to be our self-care always. It is good to have our own things or activity that we can do for ourselves to remind ourselves of our own identity as YOU!
By spending time on ourselves and for ourselves, we will be able to gain more positive energy that will carry in your relationship with your partner.
If you find it difficult to communicate to your partner about sexual stuff or experiencing changes in your sex drive, you can find me at Vibrance for a sexual consultation and we can discuss ways to help you and your relationship.
I am a qualified Sexologist having consulted over hundreds of women and couples in sexual and relationship related matters, and I will ensure a non-judgmental, safe space for you to talk about it comfortably.